What is it about spring that makes you want to clean? I always thought “Spring Cleaning” was a myth of sorts, but after today I think it may actually be a primal response. As of the first (this coming Thursday) John and I will have lived in our new town home for 4 months, and after moving as many times as we have, (seven times in a year in a half!) I know that it’s just between the 3 and 4 month mark that you finally unpack your last box. John may be experiencing some sort of nesting of his own today, he organized the entire garage, emptied out a desk we are attempting to get rid of up stairs, set up the baby swing, and moved the dresser we had the living room TV on upstairs so we could finally organize all of little man’s clothing. Oh, and he mounted the TV, which some times makes me feel like I live in a day care, but I’m just glad to have the space. I write as if we have all this stuff, but we really have purged so much crap in the last seven moves. But somehow there are still those couple boxes we both refuse to throw away. My philosophy has always been the less crap you have the simpler life can be. So while we did a lot of projects today, it didn’t really take more than a couple hours because there wasn’t that much more purging to do.
I attempted to do lots of cleaning on my own today as well, but because of all the nesting I have been doing for the past couple weeks already, there wasn’t much more to be done. I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen, but now as I sit here at the end of the day, its dirty again. Story of my life. I didn’t even do any laundry today. Oh, but I did bake today! I’m still in that Early Latent Labor, where I’m having hours of timeable contractions that just stop randomly. Last night I was awake until 11pm, woke up at 3:17am (like every night) and was awake until 7am when John and Juliette got up. I was having contractions every 15 minutes or so, then nothing. I was exhausted today, but I remember this from my last pregnancy as well. I don’t know if its subconscious anticipation that the contractions will turn into real labor, or if I just really can’t sleep, but all I know is that chasing a toddler is hard on 4ish hours of sleep.
The photo above was taken about an hour ago, as John was preparing Juliette for sleep. Those two don’t have the happiest of times trying to go to bed, so I tried suggesting they read a story. She normally is a kinesthetic learner and must. touch. all. things (but I think that’s most toddlers, honestly) but tonight she just laid there and listened to him read. I just heard him open the door about 15 minutes ago (my cue that she’s asleep and the room is safe for entering) so I’m assuming it went better than normal. I mean it probably took him 30 minutes to put her to sleep, plus shes down a lot earlier than normal. She’s probably tired from all the spring cleaning too. I want to start helping her learn to fall asleep herself, but honestly I can count on my hand the number of times she’s just fallen asleep without any sort of coaxing (rocking, humming, cuddling). I have always just followed along with however she chose to sleep, whatever she felt soothed her best, but I’m hoping to make the big girl transition into her own room soon. And eventually being able to let her put herself to sleep. Part of me wonders if that is even realistic. Can a 15-month-old really just fall asleep? Can my 15-month-old put herself to sleep? I just don’t want to force her to do something for my convenience…. I have some reading to do.
Before I sat down to write this I was in Juliette’s room (but not the one she sleeps in) stuffing her cloth diapers and I was just reveling at how blessed I felt. I mean, I know I’m blessed. I know that being a stay-at-home-mom is one of the biggest blessings there is, but really, how do I deserve this? How do I deserve this life? I don’t. I have never done anything phenomenally moral in my life. I have never helped anyone in extreme need. I love to live my life by karmic law, but really what good have I done? I really want to hold onto this season for so long because I know how life works. There are ups and downs and I’m so terrified for when this ends, so I want to enjoy it now. I feel thankful for this season and I hope I make the best of it. I hope I can really do good in this season so that it makes the next one a little easier.
I just found out Kawaii makes newborn diapers now, so I may have to go browse their website for the next hour or so….
I have been pregnant for 19 months of the past 23 months (just short of two years). I conceived my first in May 2012, and I am due with my second in May 2014. Needless to say, I am over pregnancy. I’m over the growing and shrinking, I’m over the shortness of breath, and the gasping for air at the top of the stairs, I’m done with all the waking to pee, yet still obsessing about my water intake. I’m done with the blood work, done with the fundal height measuring. I’m done with Braxton Hicks contractions, and real contractions, and I-think-these-are-real-because-they-hurt contractions. I’m done with getting asked my due date (because its not like babies actually come on their due dates anyway. I’m just over all of it!
I’m technically 36 weeks and 4 days today, going from my ultrasound measurement. But if you want to go from my LMP date, I’m 38 weeks and 1 day, so do you see why this can be so frustrating. It’s the difference between having a week or so to go, or a whole month entirely (I mean, not technically, but when you are this close to the end even a day of waiting is an entire day of anxiously waiting.) I’m either at the end, or almost at the end. This whole pregnancy has gone by SO quick, and now I’m at the end and it CANNOT GO ANY SLOWER! This Friday we will see our midwife, and I’m pretty sure she will do a cervical check then, and we will hope and pray that I am any sort of dilated!
The past four days I have been having consistent/regular contractions. Some are painful, some are uncomfortable, some are just plain annoying, but they are there and I am without a doubt feeling them, unlike my last pregnancy. Probably because I know what I’m feeling this time too.
With Juliette, I started having “signs of labor” around Christmas. She was due January 22nd, but I didn’t have here until February 5th. So with this baby, I feel like I’m getting anxious (and excited) only to have to wait another month or so. I’m trying my hardest to be patient, trying to develop some sort of plan to still get all the stuff we need for this guy, but there’s not a whole lot of doing that can be done when the funds aren’t there. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when I’m in labor.
So now, here’s the crazy pregnancy hormones talking and I feel completely opposite to everything I have stated above. My daughter is 14-months-old and this is the last few weeks I have when I can give her all my attention and love and can focus solely on her (between the back twisting contractions that is). These are the last few moments of “just us”. I want to show her life everyday, take her places and do things with her, and I have no idea where this is coming from. I want to walk her to the park, but I’m too big, and having too many contractions to hardly make it up the stairs. I’m so sick of the excuses.
I pray to God, that my energy comes back. I don’t remember how long it took after I had Juliette to get my energy back, but I hope I can as soon as possible. Its going to be summer, and I want to experience all that Las Vegas summer’s have to offer.
Come on, baby boy. Stop teasing me!
T-25 days until due date of my little guy. I’m a huge stack of emotions, but there is a lot of unresolved feelings on the whole gender thing. When John and I were pregnant with Juliette we both WANTED a boy, but when they told us it was a girl I can’t say I wasn’t relieved. Having a girl is easy, because I am one. I know that John was nervous or unsettled, but I’m going to go into that a little bit later.
I knew when I got pregnant this time around, it was a boy right away. I told people I didn’t really have a “feeling” because I wanted Juliette to have a sister. But, I knew it. I feel like with a boy there are so many more decisions you have to make ahead of time. I’m just gonna write all these feelings out, so if there is no reason or order to these things I apologize in advance.
1. Circumcision. I have avoided talking about this with so many people, and I can normally skate around the issue a little bit, because his business isn’t really my business, but I knew this would have to be a conversation with Johnathan. After Juliette was born, and seeing her get her feet poked to test her blood sugars and getting the PKU I knew I never wanted to purposefully put my children through pain, if it was unnecessary. Of course, blood testing is necessary, and we can argue the necessity of circumcision, but I just decided that I wouldn’t force my son to experience any pain. Also, I never circumcised Juliette, so it didn’t seem logical that its illegal to perform on my daughter, but not on my son. The whole idea of circumcision doesn’t logically make sense to me. Anyway, I remember the night John and I had the talk about it. He was sitting on our brown leather recliner and I was sitting on our hand-me-down couch that smelled like cats. We were talking about names and I hesitantly expressed that I really hoped it was not a boy. He looked at me confused and I explained (much like this whole post) how there are so many things to know on how to raise a boy and I just felt like I couldn’t do it well enough…. and that I was really against circumcision. I tried to just sweep it in because I really didn’t want an argument on it, because I didn’t really have a leg to stand on except that I knew it hurt and I didn’t want to hurt my baby. He paused for a second, and asked why I was against it. And I believe my response simply was “Well, it’s not my penis. And I think he should be able to make the decision for himself.” I love this next part. He just looked back at the TV and responded “Ok.” No argument, no tension. It just logically made sense to him (one good thing about men, logic makes sense to them). And that was that. I have since gone on to research circumcision and have better feelings to back up my decision against it (although why do I have to defend my sons right to decide for himself?).
2. How a woman will raise a man. I will be honest. IF I were a single mother, this boy probably would be a huge push-over mama’s boy that would marry an over controlling woman, and be the super sensitive crier. I have feelings about boys, and I have a hard time respecting boys that don’t turn into men. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a super sensitive man, as long as he can lead his family with confidence and strength. I think John is a great example of what I am talking about, because he is not afraid to be emotional but I have never seen anyone doubt that he is a man. John assured me that because I thought that way about him, our son would be fine. Most boys turn into their fathers, just like most girls turn into their mothers (and we all love to hate it don’t we!). I love John and if I ever had any doubt about who our son would grow up to be, I can rest assured that John’s got that!
3. Teaching a man to be gentle. Now on the completely opposite side of the spectrum, one thing I try to teach Juliette and was hoping to teach to my son as well, is how to be gentle. John says to make that sound more masculine, I want to teach him to be able to control his strength. I have 5 brothers, and I see characteristics that are innately birthed in them, that was never taught. Like turning a stick into a sword. And while that is something I admire about the male species, the fact that there is strength in them without needing to be taught, it scares me! My brothers were ROUGH growing up. I thankfully had a mom who taught them that “Girls are fragile” from the time they were very young so that I never had to experience the full force of their strength. I want to teach my son to control his strength without teaching him to be weak. This is a lesson I probably will have to learn daily, and will probably be corrected by Johnathan many times, but I’m open to learn with this one.
4. I’m scared I’ll love him too much. I know this isn’t a bad thing. I know that loving your child unconditionally is the best gift you can give them, because they will know they are completely accepted and always will be. However, I’m scared that by showering him in my love and affection somehow this will hinder him. Stunt his growth in manliness. This may be illogical, but I just don’t want to be the person who turns him into the type of guys that annoy me.
And all these fears I have are so silly. I have Johnathan! He knows what he’s doing with a boy, just like I know what I’m doing with a girl. He trusts me and I just need to trust him. I know that raising a boy will be difficult, but I’m so thankful I have a partner who I love 100% and I can trust 100% to do the best job possible with our son.
I’m glad to finally get this out of my head. To clarify though, I am EXTREMELY excited and anxious to have a son now. I can’t wait for him to get here!