Well it’s baby month. No matter what happens I will have my baby boy this month. Tomorrow is the due date based off the ultrasound. I don’t think he’ll be here but hopefully. I don’t know and honestly right now, I truly don’t even care. I still feel kind of sick. My mother and cousin came over yesterday to hang out with Juliette and allowed me to lay on the couch while John went back to work. I was alone with Juliette for an hour after they left and before John got home and it was the most miserable hour of life! She can climb onto the couch now without any assistance. Which, I mean, claps for her…. If only she was just interesting in sitting on the couch, instead of standing on it. Every time I leave the living room I come back and she’s standing there staring at me with the proudest look on her face. It’s cute to see her look so accomplished but I mean, I’m 10 month pregnant and can’t make it over the safety gate fast enough! We also have this random coax cable that just sticks up out of the carpet, and it seems to be her new favorite toy. We will go through another week or so of constantly redirecting her attention away from it before she really just gets bored with it but the amount of melt downs we had yesterday after she found it was beyond me.
I don’t think I will be doing much today at all because honestly I have no energy. Little guy is pretty calm, I hope he’s doing ok. I’m still feeling significant movement and all but he’s just calmer than normal. Trying not to let my mama brain worry, but sometimes I just have to force myself to lay down and feel him.
For not having much of an appetite these past few days I am REALLY craving a veggie burger. The funny thing is I’m finally feeling hungry but as soon as I eat I feel like a few bites is all I can really get down. And I’m still hugely but it’s like my stomach is uneasy.
Family around me is starting to get impatient waiting for this little guy to be here which is funny to me. You would think I would be the most impatient of all but I really am content waiting the last week or so for him to get here. Daily I get phone calls from family members asking how I’m doing. I think it’s sweet.
I had a lot of insecurities I guess you could call them about this pregnancy. We got pregnant when Juliette was just barely 6 months old. It seemed to be really soon for everyone except us. We had a lot of reasons for getting pregnant again.
1. We are both young and haven’t finished our schooling yet. I’m about a year or so from graduating beauty school and John has yet to start his 2 year film degree. I think for the careers we want having kids while we are in school is the best option because “pausing” your career for a family doesn’t always work out.
2. We want to get the sibling issue out of the way. We knew we wanted more than one. To have the sibling issue taken care of it takes a lot of pressure off for a long time. We could wait another 5 years to have another kid no problem!
3. Raising babies just fits our life well right now. It’s a good season for baby season. With johns schedule and mine, babies work out well! We don’t feel that stress of infancy and all that.
But like I said a lot of people expressed that it was too soon and that we rushed it. That’s their opinion and to be honest I ignore most people who say anything like that about our situation. I will admit when we first got pregnant it seemed like “bad timing” but now at the eve of his birth, he couldn’t be coming at a better time. No one has really asked about my pregnancy. No one has shown much interested until this last week or so. That made me insecure because I felt like I was the only one who wanted him. When I was pregnant with Juliette we were showered with gifts and people were always asking about her and the pregnancy, and it’s still that way! I am pregnant and all people cared to talk about is Juliette. I don’t expect gifts and stuff from people, it’s not the point of having a child. But it was quiet a shock to go from having to buy nothing for my girl and nearly everything for my guy.
I spent many nights in tears feeling like I was the only one who loved him. The only one anticipating his arrival, especially after the hurtful things that were text to me by Johns sisters. I remember sitting with John and through sobs saying “if I’m the only one who loves him, I will make sure he’s the most loved person on the planet”. Most of those feelings have changed. More of my family has shown interest in his arrival, and that has helped my attitude and feelings about this pregnancy so much more. I feel like people actually do want him now. That makes my heart hurt in so many good ways.
I was never really honest about that part of my pregnancy but it will be good to remind myself one day.