If you have been pregnant before I think you share my annoyance with the term “due date”. There is some much pressure on that one day and if you really look into things more moms deliver on every other day EXCEPT their due date. “When are you due?” With Juliette I was dead set that she was coming early. Christmas rolled around, I was “full term” (another annoying phrase) and I thought she would come any day. She didn’t show up until February 5th, a whole 14 days after I was “due”. And then there are the handful of moms who deliver weeks before that supposedly magical day, and lucky for them they don’t have to deal with the torment of being “over-due”.
This time around, based off my LMP I am due today. Based off an ultrasound I’m not due until May 2nd, either way there will be a baby this week or the next. Knowing that scares me. I mean, birth hurts. I was being a really great pregnant momma this time around and preparing myself mentally for what is likely to happen during this labor. I’m a second time mom so every body tells me this labor will be fast. “Expect half of what your first labor was.” Well, my first labor was 36 hours, so 18 hours of labor is still not that encouraging to me. Ideally, less than 12. That’s what I’m hoping for. But as of these last couple weeks I haven’t been visualizing the best I can. I mean every once and a while I will find a comfy spot on my couch and make a mental note: Comfortable place for early contractions.
I have attempted to remember all the things I have read about positive mental affirmations that help me to not be afraid of giving birth. Are all mommas afraid of birth, I mean specifically the pain? I just remember the break down I had with Juliette at around 5 cm thinking that I couldn’t do it anymore. I mean I was already awake for 48 hours at that point, but see… how can I know this birth will be different? It has to hurt. That’s the beauty of birth. Even I can laugh at myself saying that, because I remember how un-beautiful it was in the midst of the pain. I remember a lot that was not positive for me and now I have to face that again. But I’m so hoping this time will be different.
We are preparing once again for a home birth, and it all makes me… feel. I just have all these emotions. I’m excited, I’m having a son! I’m scared, there is so much pain to endure. I’m impatient, I’ve been in Early Latent Labor for a week. I’m anxious, will this be at night while Juliette’s asleep? Or will we need to call in back up for someone to come watch her? I really don’t want anyone in my home during my labor, excluding John and my midwife. There is something so hindering to a laboring momma who knows people are waiting on her. Hint: if you know a mom in labor, don’t go wait at the hospital/her home… or if you do don’t let her know you are there. I just got an awkward mental picture of my in laws hiding in my closet.
I want to think as positively as I have been about this birth, but today I’m not feeling it. Today I’m feeling the negative. And maybe I need a little bit of that. Maybe I need to be honest with myself so that I can prepare if its not as easy as I have been imagining and hoping. Maybe this will turn all this early labor into active labor. Maybe?
This is just more anxious rambling while I wait on my son. Any day now, any day.