This is post #2 of the 30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. Describe 3 legitimate fears of yours, and how they became your fears.
1. Having to parent my children by myself.
This fear comes from multiple places. a.) having divorced parents b.) a long history of insecurity with whether people even like me or not c.) damaging my children by not being the one who is pouring into them the lessons they need to know about life.
So, starting with the divorced parents thing. I am lucky that I didn’t have a very nasty divorce between my parents, largely in fact to my step-mothers influence in my father’s life and advocating for me not to have to live through that. But nonetheless, divorces are damaging to children whether amicable or not. I had this revelation at the age of 17, when I was living in Texas with some roommates that it was the first time in my life I wasn’t packing up a ton of my stuff to go stay with another parent every weekend. That was really hard for me to get used to. Even now at 21 years old I FINALLY don’t want to move from where we are, at least not for a while anyway. Going back and forth between houses really messed me up. I never learned how to be content. I also didn’t learn how to deal with issues until I was an adult. I had a tense relationship with my step father but I never had to learn how to deal with them or change myself because I only saw him for 2 or 3 days at a time. It also damaged my relationships with people. I didn’t have the most social teenage years because when friends were going out for the weekend, I had to make sure I was spending time with my mom because she didn’t see me all week. Which leads to the second part of that, whether people even like me.
Outside of my relationship with Johnathan, I have never had a real relationship. Something I am proud of but could also be a big handicap if anything were to happen to him. Growing up I was always the annoying kid. In high school, I was still annoying. As an adult, I ave become way more reserved and less social, because I still have that fear that I am still annoying. I can count the friends I have on one hand (honestly there’s probably only one or two) and I don’t always know how I feel about that. I’m opinionated and smart (not to be cocky, but I really enjoy reading and learning new things). A lot of people are turned off by my knowledge. Somehow the smart thing has worked for my dad and sister, as they are very social and have lots of friends, but for me, not so much. So If anything were to happen to Johnathan I feel as though I would surely be a single parent, because no one could love me. He’s the only guy I have ever met that was attracted and not intimidated by my knowledge. I think that’s pretty sweet though!
The last part of this fear comes from an over-controlling-mama-bear place. I don’t trust people. I read too much and have too much of a opinion to just let other people raise my kids. If I was a single parent I would have to be the income for my family, taking away from time with my children and having to let other people raise them, and spend a majority of the time with them. I chose to have kids so that I could be there with them and watch them grow and raise to be kind, compassionate, world-changers. I didn’t have kids so that I could grow in my career, or that they could be in daycare (though I’m not bashing any momma who does, because for some moms that fulfills them) I am most fulfilled when teaching my 14-month-old new words and sounds, or when we go on walks, or when we eat lunch together and she feeds me grapes. I’m so fulfilled being a mother. To hand that position over to someone else gives me so much anxiety. My spine tingles just thinking about it.
2. Being “poor”.
I’m nervous with how to write this because I don’t want to sound pretentious or spoiled. I was blessed growing up to live without ever needing anything. Not that we were like rolling in dough, but our basics needs were always met. We were never hungry, always had clean clothes, always had power to our home, and when things broke we could afford to fix them. That is all I want in my life. I don’t need to have the best of everything, I just need good food, clean clothes and a warm home. So when money gets a little tight, I stress out. I just want my babies to have full tummies and clothes that fit. I don’t feel wrong in wanting this. I don’t feel any shame, but I feel that shortening it could be misleading.
I have seen a lot of less fortunate families, and lots of kids who wore clothes that were too small, and stained, and when they came into our home they were HUNGRY. I have seen kids just shovel cereal into their mouths and it broke my heart to wonder when they last ate. I never want that for my kids and I think its a great motivator for me.
3. Loosing my kids.
I feel like this is self explanatory. Sickness, kidnappings, or just plain they don’t want to talk to me anymore and cut me out of their lives. A lot of this is just a momma fear. No mom wants their children to be sick or taken away from them, but choosing to cut me out of their lives comes from a personal place. I spent a long time not talking to my parents, because we differed in opinions in life, but I feel it is always the parents responsibility to mend the gap and create the compromise. No matter how old the child is. Parents are parents until death. Parents put their lives aside for the child until death. I never understood how my parents were “ok” with me refusing to speak to them. I never understood why they gave up calling me and trying to fix things. I could never do that. It’s part of the reason John and I are so big on the gentle parenting approach because that relationship starts now. My kids are their own people, with their own thoughts and opinions and one day they will become world-changers. I have decided now to start listening to my children. It’s their life, they are free to live how they choose. I am here to guide them, keep them safe and out of trouble, and to equip them with the knowledge of right and wrong so that when I am not around they will choose the right thing (side note: they are going to choose right because its right, not because they fear the consequence of doing wrong) I’m not here to control them and stifle who they are. I’m here to foster those wild fires of personality into controlled burns. To teach them to harness their power (that sounds lame, but I mean you catch my drift). This is going of on a tangent but maybe I will turn this into another blog post one day!
This blog didn’t take me nearly as long to write, score! But it is super revealing, and vulnerable and that was difficult.